[BLOG] Be my goddamn, motherfreaking friend.

“Andrew, this is the last hello and goodbye I’m ever going to say to you”


I don’t know how on earth I remember this, but I do. It was sometime during primary school, whilst I was in the second grade. These were the words from my best friend at the time that still ring through my mind to this very day. I remember his name, the games we played with purely our imagination in the playground and the exact moment when it all fell apart. This was back when I was but 8 years old, so no social media, no mobile phones so no way of keeping in touch. I didn’t understand it at the time, so we played the same game we always did (pretending we were the mice in “Mice Bikers from Mars”) and the day ended and he was gone.


I never heard from him again. Ever.


We’re strangers now. I tried finding him on Facebook, just to see how he’s been, what he’s up to, how he grew up. But it’s been 17 years and I don’t know what he looks like, where he lives, what his interests are. He could have died and I wouldn’t know. This was my best friend. And yes it was only second grade and emotionally speaking, I wasn’t quite emotionally mature enough to understand what losing a best friend meant or the impact it has on one’s life. But I do now. Without David, I don’t know what I would have done. We had our fights, as all friends do, but at the end of the day there was the unconditional, forgiving, innocent friendship that always brought us back together. Until that wasn’t enough. There was nothing I could do.


Isn’t it quaint? How easy is it to let people, who once meant so much to you, go? And none of that bullshit “if you let them go then I guess they weren’t that important to you”. We have no control over the people we hold dear, and what happens to them. In the modern age, it’s so much easier to maintain an illusion of friendship with people you once knew that it’s even easier for them to become strangers. How many people have you met where you find a somewhat kindred spirit and chat endlessly for a while, only for that friendship to slowly fade back to being nothing more than an acquaintance. A best friend to just any other friend. Or from someone to noone. Everyone has done this.


There are no excuses any more. If someone is your friend, goddamn rise up and treat them like one. The illusion of being connected online via social networking gives us the misguided message that because its so easy to reach out and re-establish communication, that you will always be able to do so. That being “friends” online means that you’ll always be that way.


That’s all bullshit. Friendships are what you make of it. Friendships are the result of time, effort and communication. Don’t be the idiot who gets asked if you’re friends with someone, and all you can reply is “I guess?” or “I think so?”. Let your friends know you’re there, that you care and that you give a damn about your friendship. Don’t let people you care about slip away. Don’t you dare. It’s not that fucking hard to message people and ask how they’re going. If you don’t care enough then that’s fine. Let them go, no big loss to either of you. But if you do, then stop going through their goddamn pictures and get your freaking keyboard out and send them a message.


There are no more excuses. Time to step the fuck up.


I’m going to start saying hi to people I care about. Find out what they’re up to. Find out how they’re going. Let them know that they’re my friend and I give a shit about what’s happening to them. That even though, the only medium I have to communicate with you is through pixels on a screen transmitted over the internet, that I embrace them as someone in my life and that my life would be less without them.


I’m not that young any more but I’m not that old either. I still can’t believe it took me 25 years to figure it out though. That’s almost 1/3 of my life it took for this message to get through my head.


I’m going to put this into perspective for you guys. I’d say that if you take your average twitter conversation between friends, excluding wait time between messages, the time it takes to have a conversation is what… five minutes maybe? Let’s go with ten for arguments sake. On a good week I’d probably have that conversation maybe three to four times. Once again, for arguments sake, let’s go with four. That’s twenty minutes per week, so 17 hours a year. The average life expectancy for a male in Australia is 84.6 years. For simplicity, let’s say that gives me 60 years to go. Using a calculator gives me 1040 hours of conversation with a friend. That’s 43 1/3 days which is about a month a half.


Let’s put that into perspective. The working day is normally considered a 9am-5pm haul with an hour lunch break, so a 7 hour work day, therefore 35 hours a week. Most people will probably ended up working more, but once again for simplicity’s sake let’s go with that. If a month is four weeks (it’s actually longer) then in a month, one would work 140 hours a month. Now going off that 1040 hours of conversation, that would give you 7 1/2 months of work. That’s less than one year. At my job I often see the same people day in day out and haven’t really spoken to them often, yet I would have seen them more often than I would have spoken to a friend.


Another perspective. What if you were told someone you cared about only had 43 1/3 days to live. A month and a half to live. That’s freaking terrifying.


For arguments sake, let’s double the amount of time you invest into conversation. You’d get three months. Triple it you get four and a half. How little is that?


For our generation, instant satisfaction often comes at the click of a button. Food, shopping, entertainment, even intimacy (yes I’m talk about sex). But you know what hasn’t changed? That’s right, you guessed it.


Goddamn, motherfreaking friendships. We’re given all these tools to reach out and form relationships all over the world in ways that we could only dreamed of when we were younger, but we abuse this privilege assuming that people will always be there, until one day you find out they aren’t.


So take control. The power rests in your own hands to shape and forge relationships as you will. Don’t be lazy. Get out there and show people you care, whether it’s a celebrity you idolize, your parents and family, or a friend you met via twitter on the other side of the world.


Step up and reach out.


For David E. Although we aren’t part of each others lives any more, you’re still teaching me how to be a better person. Thank you. I miss you and I hope everything turned out better than you could have ever dreamed. I’ll never forget you.


[BLOG] A little announcement

So I have a lot of stories going on that require attention and right now apparently the poop I’ve gotten myself into has become a motivation/inspiration for starting to get this stuff done. So for the next few months or so, expect a tonne of updates and stuff as I try to get it all done.

But that’s not the reason for this.

I’m not really sure who’s going to read this because I never really posted here before and I’m not really a big name, but I know some people here do care about my well being and wouldn’t mind an update. At the completion of “Memories of Glass” (regardless of the status of the other stories), I will no longer be writing Soshi fanfiction, unless something drastic happens.

I have a few reasons for this I suppose.

Firstly, I don’t want to be that author that writes stuff and leaves it hanging for so long that people have to basically reread the entire story to try and understand what’s happened in the most recent update (which honestly is where I am now).

Secondly, MoG is kind of my dream fic. It’s something complex that I’ve always had trouble writing and really want to get done. Once that’s over, I don’t think I’ll have any more motivation.

Thirdly, I feel like quieting down my presence in the fandom. As I’ve grown as a Sone, I’ve found that after meeting a few initial awesome people, I feel like I can be less and less, well, myself. I feel less comfortable just being who I am and when I do try, I feel like sometimes I just create trouble for myself which leads to drama. Despite my love for drama in fiction, in reality I hate dealing with it and hate being part of it.

So as such, I’ll probably just fade away into obscurity as best I can, but I will definitely try to finish what I’ve started first. When the day comes when I’m satisfied with what I have done, don’t expect a tearful farewell or whatever. I’ll just quietly patch up my stuff and slip away.

So thank you to everyone who’s ever subscribed, commented, or simply taken the time to look through my stuff and as especially big thank you to those who have taken the time to reach out to me to speak to me as a person, not just an author. Thank you to the writers I’ve met along the way and even those who aren’t writers but still share their opinions and ideas with me. You made it worth the journey and I’ll miss you.

It won’t be for a little while yet, I’ve still got stuff to finish but when the day comes. I’ll just go, as I’m not fond of farewells and that kind of stuff.


FANFIC: I remember you (III) [TaeNy ongoing]

3. Secrets and roasted chestnuts

As the interview progressed it seemed more and more like a conversation and less of a chore. Tiffany found herself learning plenty, but mostly about Taeyeon. About how the girl was actually older than her (she just never aged), how the girl seriously liked laughing, and that communicating with international fans was so important to her that Taeyeon, at one stage, had spent more time studying the English language than on her music. It was fun, being able to talk to such a famous celebrity in such a manner, but Tiffany was a professional and she knew that her job came first. So with an apologetic smile, Tiffany attempted to steer the conversation back towards the topics she had to report on.

“So why America, Taeyeon? What makes you so interested in this particular country?”

Tiffany had pieced together, threw stray remarks and offhand comments, that Taeyeon had quite the fascination with America and thus questioning her about it seemed a simple way to transition the conversation from idle banter to a proper interview question. Taeyeon was pondering the question slowly, tapping her chin in the process.

“Well many things I guess,” she replied slowly. “First of all, I’ve never actually been here before and I love travelling. This is the first time my company has attempted a concert in a non-asian country so it was a good opportunity to see what it’s like.”

Tiffany nodded and scribbled down a few quick notes. “And what kind of things do you hope to see while you’re here?”

“One of my seniors who visited here previously told me about lots of stuff she thought I’d be interested in.” Taeyeon interrupted, her gaze focused on some point on the ceiling. “The culture of course, how the cities never sleep, the diversity in food, the Statue of Liberty, the Golden Gate bridge, Mardi Gras…”

Tiffany raised an eyebrow as her interviewee trailed off. There was something about the way she mentioned the last particular object of interest that rang an alarm bell in her head. Staring at Taeyeon curiously, the singer met her gaze almost beseechingly, as if willing Tiffany to understand. But then, Taeyeon’s manager (who had seemingly disappeared after her rushed apology to Tiffany) coughed politely and as Taeyeon swang around to see what the matter was, the moment was interrupted and faded into history.

“My manager went and bought you these as an apology.” Taeyeon said, holding out a brown paper bag to Tiffany.

The bag was quite hot and Tiffany almost dropped it in surprise. A sweet, woody smell filled Tiffany’s nose.

“What’s in it?”

“Roasted chestnuts. One of my favourites.1

“Oh? Why?”

Taeyeon’s gaze grew distant.

“It reminds me of home. My mother and I use to laugh as we peeled them. We’d always peel a little bit then drop them because they were so hot coming out of the oven. It’s pauper food but in Korea there are vendors everywhere on the street and it’s a cheap and easy snack for when I’m out and about.”

“Can I put that in the article?”


Tiffany glanced at her notes and wrinkled her nose slightly in distaste at the following personal questions that she was required to ask. There was a reason she didn’t work in spotlights, and the key one was she disliked prying into the personal lives of others, as if it was something she was entitled to do just because the person was famous.

“Do you… have anyone special to share your chestnuts with?”

Taeyeon’s face visibly paled a bit and her posture stiffened.

“Well, I’m sharing some with you now. Are you special?” Taeyeon replied with a laugh. But Tiffany had just been talking and joking with Taeyeon for the last hour and had learnt by now that when Taeyeon laughed there was nothing feminine or graceful about it. It was a full blown explosion of hearty laughter, not the forced chuckle that she was hearing now.

“I hear you’re one of Korea’s most eligible bachelorettes, though.” Tiffany forced a laugh in an attempt to lighten the mood. Taeyeon was visibly much more sullen now although, Tiffany noted, her reaction to the question did seem a little extreme.

“I guess I’m just waiting for the right kind of person.”

“And what kind is that?”

“Hmm. I guess the standard things we look for in a partner? Kind, compassionate, caring, understand. The usual.”

“What about their appearance? Should he be good looking?”

In response, Taeyeon fluttered her eyelashes at Tiffany, using her hands to form a ‘V’ under her face, her eyes wide and innocent.

“Shouldn’t I be pretty enough for both of us?”

Tiffany snorted and Taeyeon responded in kind and before she knew it, they were both holding their stomachs, tears in their eyes and the sound of true, joyful laughter filling the room.

In hindsight, many years from now, Tiffany would think back to this moment and realize that all in all, it really wasn’t that funny, but there was nothing wrong with sharing the same type of fondness for bad jokes and exaggerated arrogance.

~ ~ ~

With the interview over, Tiffany had risen to leave but Taeyeon had insisted that she stay and eat the chestnuts with her. Tiffany was therefore forced, with a pink face, to confess that she had never really peeled chestnuts herself before and that her parents had always done the work for her.

“I’ll show you. It’s really easy.” Taeyeon said.

True to her word, the chestnut shells literally fell apart in her hands. The shells were burning hot though and Tiffany found herself picking up fallen chestnuts that she had dropped as her fingers spasmed in pain due to the heat. Taeyeon on the other hand, seemed to have no such problems and was easily through half the bag before she noticed Tiffany’s struggles.


“What?” Tiffany grumbled, dropping her chestnut for the third time.


“Wha-” Tiffany looked up only to jump back as a single perfectly peeled chestnut floated in front of her mouth.


“Taeyeon wha-” She was silenced by the chestnut being shoved in her mouth. Taeyeon smirked as Tiffany blinked in surprise, her mouth still open. A finger lifted her chin, closing her gaping mouth.


She chewed.


She swallowed.


In all honesty, Tiffany hadn’t the slightest clue what the damn thing had tasted like. She had just been hand fed by Kim Taeyeon. How was one expected to react in such situation? Nonetheless she nodded and Taeyeon smiled approvingly.

“I think if I had a special someone, I’d like to sit around on a balcony or veranda, just basking in the sun and feeding each other things like this.”

It was with a sudden realization that Tiffany noticed that each time the topic had come up, Taeyeon had shied away from mentioning any sort of gender and with a start, all the pieces seemed to fall into place.  The mention of Mardi Gras, the extreme reaction when asked about her relationships, it all lead to a single thought.

Could Kim Taeyeon, the most beloved voice in all of Korea, be gay?

– – –

1. I’m aware Taeyeon in actuality is quite allergic to nuts, whether this extends to the chestnut, I’m not sure but in this story, she is not.


Thanks for reading 🙂 Leave a comment!






[BLOG] Understand Eggshells (and walking)

So I wouldn’t consider myself a popular Sone by any means. But I guess I know/talk to a fairly large number of people. Regardless, this blog post is just to address something that I find is something I’m only now coming to understand.


So there’s a common question that we often ask ourselves, when it comes to celebrities.

“What are they really like? What kind of person are they actually?”


“Why do they feel they have to walk on eggshells around us?”

I mean, we’d all love to be able to tell our idolized figure that we’re sure that whoever they are, they’re a good person and we’d support them regardless. So who are you, really, mr/mrs famous person?

We’d all love to know, of course, but the reality is, the more famous they become, the less personal the relationship between fan and celeb, becomes. It’s a sad reality, but lets face it, it’s a necessary means of protection.

I don’t dare relate myself to a celebrity, but as I continue aging and living, naturally I meet more people and therefore I talk to more people. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m starting to understand the concept of “walking on eggshells” a little bit better than I did before. Quite simply, the more people who hear the things you say, whether via social media, word of mouth, in person, whatever, the more people there are who might get affected. This goes both ways of course. On one hand, if you’re trying to say something meaningful. there’s a greater chance that you’ll actually reach out and make a difference to someone, even just one person. And that’s a wonderful thing and hopefully that’s how popularity will be used more and more.

But on the other hand, the more people who hear your words, the more chance there is of someone disagreeing with them or being offended or uncomfortable with them. It’s logical, though, isn’t it? We’re obviously not of a hive mindset, where everyone shares the same thoughts and opinions. We’re individuals with our own personalities and perspectives. We think different and thus are comfortable with different things.

Are you following me so far?

So with more people with differing opinions, chances are something you say is going to offend one of them. It’s not possible to keep everyone happy with things like these and even neutrality can be seen as an insult.

I make a lot of jokes, I love to joke, it’s what I do. I always tell my friends, 90% of the time, you don’t have to take me seriously at all, but even then sometimes they don’t like the nature of my jokes. I can’t change this and the best I can do is adapt myself to them so that I can maintain that friendship. It’s so easy to say “screw the people who get offended” or just “who cares, say whatever you want. don’t like don’t listen/follow/subscribe” etc. Basically its the good ol’  “Don’t like what I have to say? There’s the door.”.

Well I don’t believe in that. Anymore anyway. I used to. I definitely used to. But that was until I came to the sudden realization that just because this person didn’t like something I’ve said, didn’t mean I didn’t value them, or the nature of their relationship with me. I still appreciated them, cherished them and the fact that they didn’t agree or didn’t like something I said didn’t diminish that (well not a lot anyway). So maybe I’m not as strong as those people who can simply cut people who don’t like or agree with their opinion out of their lives. Maybe I’m just different to them. No, not maybe; I AM different from them. I mean, saying “Don’t like what I say? There’s the door.” is basically saying that you don’t value any of the people listening in, and that’s a little rude don’t you think?

Nonetheless, it doesn’t mean that it’s OK to mindlessly think that people should be adjusting to you just because you’re uncomfortable with it. Friendship, or any sort of relationship (and this part is something I often preach) is a two way street. It’s compromise. It’s working together to be able to be comfortable with one another. So sometimes something they do makes you a little uncomfortable. I’m not saying swallow it and let it go, I’m saying try stepping up and making an effort to work together so that one side isn’t compromising who they are more than the other side. Ok so I’ll tone down this part of me a little bit, but in return, maybe you could try letting some things I say slide? Especially when things are said in jest, for the sake of humour, rather than of the intent to harm or offend.

To relate it to myself, recently there’s been a little spike in the number of people I’ve started speaking to. In my mind, they’re all wonderful people and I’m glad we met. But as I talk to more people, I do feel a little less free to express myself the way I normally do. When I was even less of a noone that I currently am, it was so easy to just say whatever. Make whatever jokes I want. Now, I find myself being a little more wary of the things I say. My really really close friends, they’re the ones that I can say anything to, and that’s how it should be. But what about, just the normal friends? I value them to, but they don’t quite get me in the way my better friends do. It’s really a topic that does give me a headache. I value them, I want to be able to speak to them, but I don’t want to be walking on eggshells around them. 

In the end, maybe sometimes people just have too different personalities that would allow them to be truly close. The unconditional nature of some friendships doesn’t necessarily apply to to others, and unfortunately that is a cold, sobering fact. Sometimes, you just have personalities that clash far too much to be really good friends. Accept this, move on. A lot of the time you’re admiring their talent, tenacity or maybe their aesthetics more than their personality. It’s happened to me, and no doubt will probably happen to you, dear reader.

But when we simply cannot get along, do we “hate” or do we “dislike” a person.

Ok, so this an intensely personal point of view, but I feel that “hate” is a choice, whilst “dislike” is a reaction. What I mean by this is that sometimes we just find ourselves “disliking” someone, but it takes an active decision to turn that “dislike” or to classify it, as “hate”. Do you agree? No? That’s ok, don’t hate me for it. I DO however think, that there are levels of dislike, from mild dislike (which is really just another level of tolerance) to intense dislike. I feel that “hate” is more of a label than anything else, and that hating someone is an active decision we make. Once again, this is strictly my own perspective on the matter. You don’t have to agree, but as for me, I choose not to hate anyone. At all.


So what are the points I’m making here?

1. It’s OK to treat people as individuals and have to be a little careful around some people more than others. You don’t have to conform to the overly forward “My way or the highway” mindset that is often preached as good advice. It just means you place more value on the people who do listen to you, and you don’t necessarily want them gone.

2. But be wary of those who take your ability to be flexible too far. It’s a TWO WAY STREET. Both sides work on it or noone does. It isn’t fair to expect one party to change and receive nothing in return. It’s give and take. Push and shove. All that jazz.

3. It’s OK to meet people you just aren’t going to get along with. But make an effort not to hate them. Sometimes they don’t mean to be offensive or what not, that’s just the way they are. You don’t have to be friends with them, but you don’t have to hate them either.

4. On a more personal note, I finally understand why the more “followers” or “subscribers” or “friends” a person has, the more subdued they tend to become in their manner of speaking. The more people one speaks to, the easier it is to say something that just doesn’t sit right with one of the person


In the end, this all stems from the fact that as I speak to more people, the actual person I am, shy’s away a little bit because not everyone is completely comfortable with the person I am. I don’t want to offend the people I value, who’s conversation I enjoy, and who’s presence I take comfort in. But at the same time I do wish I could be more myself around them.

So to the people who get me and have even more people listening in to what they say than I do, I want to say this:

I understand. Finally, I get it. I understand the eggshells.




FANFIC: I remember you (II) [TaeNy Ongoing]

The second time she met Taeyeon, she certainly hadn’t been expecting it. Jetlagged and sleep deprived, it was business as usual as Tiffany sat at her desk, fighting her drooping eyelids as she attempted to be productive, but the words on the computer monitor in front of her remained blurry and her fingers refused to type out anything coherant. A brief text from Jessica, still enjoying Seoul (Taeyeon flew out from Incheon today! I was at the airport but I couldn’t really see her…), briefly woke her up, but it was all down hill from there and she made the fatal mistake of ‘I’ll just close my eyes for a few seconds…”. A cough and a tap on the shoulder snapped her out of her sleep and mortified at passing out at work, she turned to face whoever it was, with an expression akin to a deer about to hit head on by a truck.

A chuckle and a pat on the shoulder nonverbally told her she wasn’t in any real trouble, but she still felt embarassed.

“I need a favour, Tiffany.” Her boss said, pulling up a chair to sit in front of her.

Tiffany would probably have agreed to a nudie run all around the office (all naughty bits covered), so long as she wasn’t fired at this point (she needed this job).

“Sure, what’s up?” Tiffany replied, fighting the urge to rub the corner of her eyes where she felt a little bit of crust have formed from her brief nap.

“You know Amy Lee? Over in spotlights?”

‘Spotlights’ was the jargon phrase they used in reference to those who worked the celebrity and gossip corner of the magazine. Tiffany didn’t know Amy persay, although at a company dinner she had heard the girl belt out Beyonce’s Halo at karaoke and had been suitably impressed.

Tiffany gave a shrug and waved her hand in the universal “Eh, maybe…” gesture.

“Well anyway,” her boss continued, “she was meant to head over to Interscope to run some interviews but she’s not feeling great and we thought it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to leak mucus all over their hotshot celebs so…”

Urgh. Tee Emm Eye.

“Anyway, as fate would have it, you’re actually the only one who speaks Korean and English, so I was hoping if you could cover the interviews instead? There’s a bonus.”

Tiffany’s Korean was laughable at best, but her boss didn’t know that and the word “bonus” certainly held Tiffany’s attention, especially after she had forked a fairly sizeable amount of money to indulge Jessica’s obsession. That wasn’t to say Tiffany was particularly materialistic by any means, but she really could use that bonus in her bank account, if nothing else but to pay the rent and keep eating for the rest of the month.

But at the forefront of everything, Tiffany was a hard worker and a professional and so despite the temptation of money and a day off work, she was forced to question her own suitability for the task.

“It’s a wonderful opportunity but I’m not really up to date with the gossip and stuff in Korea…”

“But weren’t you just there for a concert? You must listen to some K-pop right?” Her boss pressed eagerly.

“Well…” A mental playlist of her korean music flew through her mind and aside from BoA’s hits and a little Fly to the Sky, there wasn’t much else, and certainly nothing particularly modern.

“Look, how about this. One of their solo artists is flying in a little earlier…” Her boss glanced at her watch, “so why don’t you try an interview with her first. See how it goes? If it’s really out of your comfort zone, then we’ll hire a proper translator, but I’d much rather just give the money we’d save to you instead.”

Tiffany shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

“Excellent. Give me ten to make a phone call and then you can head on over.”

“Wait, what? Now?”

“Yep. Don’t worry, I’ll have Sandra print out the interview questions and the location address for you, all you have to do is translate them to Korean.”

Oh crap.

~ ~ ~

A boom gate and checkpoint barred her way and Tiffany found herself hoping that for whatever reason, Tom had forgotten to call ahead and she would have to turn around…

Fingers crossed, she buzzed the window down as the security guard inside the booth looked at her expectantly.

“Hi, I’m Tiffany Hwang…”

Recognition lit up in – Tiffany squinted at the name tag – David’s eyes and he passed her a press tag attached to a lanyard and smiled at her.

“Go right ahead Miss Hwang. You’ll be looking for studio number 4, it’s the last one of the right.” He replied, pointing in some direction with his arm. The heavy metal boom groaned as it lifted out of her way, and Tiffany found herself groaning with it. She had gone through the interview already and with Jessica’s help, she was confident she could ask all the questions on the sheet she had been given. The problem would be understanding when the interviewee responded to her; Jessica wouldn’t be able to help her out there.

Cautiously parking her car in the cramped parking slot, she took a deep breath as she turned the engine off. Deciding she would take a moment to gather herself, Tiffany closed her eyes, resting her forehead on top of the steering wheel. It didn’t particularly help and a glance at her watch told her that she would be late if she dallied any longer. Still, she needed a moment to ensure she wasn’t a quivering wreck once she got inside.

A coffee vender outside the studio caught her eye and she figured that if nothing else, the caffeine rush might get her sluggish mind moving. The latte came out piping hot and she burnt her tongue barely tasting it. Spluttering in pain, Tiffany shoved the cap back on, grumbling to herself. Coffee would have to wait.

The studio’s interior was a legitimate maze. Corridors lead to corridors that lead to more corridors and then dead ends. Tiffany counted herself as officially lost about three times before red faced and puffing, she finally stumbled into the conference room.

“Sorry I’m-” Tiffany managed to gasp out before a hand darted out to steal the coffee from her hand.


A lady bowed to her and jibbered something rapidly in Korean that Tiffany could make neither head nor tail of before turning to a woman who was being fussed over by a group of stylists and handing her the coffee.

But that’s… mine…

“Thank you.” The woman turned to Tiffany, her voice soft and her words accented with that distinct Korean twang.

Kim Taeyeon.

Tiffany sighed.

Well here goes nothing.


“Oh English is fine.” Taeyeon’s English was definitely accented, but there was a fluency to her speech that implied countless hours and late nights buried in books titled “English for dummies”, or whatever the Korean equivalent was. “I need to practice anyway.”

Minutes later she found herself sitting in front of Kim Taeyeon on a comfortable couch, seperated only by a single table where her notes on her interview questions lie, now useless without having to speak Korean. She pushed down the record button on her voice recorder before setting it too on the table. Before she could begin though, the woman who stole Tiffany’s coffee, whom Taeyeon kindly explained was her manager whilst she was in America, leaned down to whisper something in Taeyeon’s ear. Taeyeon’s hand flew to her mouth, covering her lips but not covering up her prolonged snort followed by outrageous laughter. Tears course down Taeyeon’s face and Tiffany could only wonder what on earth could have possibly been said to gain such a reaction.

“She,” Taeyeon gasped for breathe, “wanted to apologize for thinking you were an assistant who she asked to get me a coffee.”

Taeyeons manager bowed to her again and looked so sheepishly embarassed that Tiffany couldn’t help but flash a grudging smile.

“Let’s just say you owe me a coffee now. Shall we begin?”

“Of course.”

Tiffany picked up her notes with a frown, because for some reason she suddenly didn’t approve of the questions she was about to ask. There were questions about her plans in America, questions about the songs that Taeyeon was to promote.

There was nothing about who Taeyeon was.

Tiffany had never done an interview with a celebrity before, and most likely would never have an opportunity again. So she sucked in a breathe, threw her notes aside and met Taeyeon’s eyes with a smile.

“So,” She began. “Who is Kim Taeyeon without the spotlight?”

Taeyeon looked surprised, but then she was grinning widely and nodding her head.

“Kim Taeyeon stays up late eating junk food, watching silly romantic dramas and not doing enough exercise. Somehow I’m still skinny.”

It sets the tone for the remainder of the interview. A more intimate interview, perhaps one fueled by more personal agenda then was appropriate, but Taeyeon didn’t seem to mind and Tiffany was genuinely curious.

“Do you mind if I ask you something different now, Taeyeon?”

Taeyeon had insisted that Miss Kim was for too formal and generic.

Do you know how many Kim’s there are in Korea? No. Call me Taeyeon.


“If you were interviewing yourself, what kind of questions would you ask? What are some of the things that you’d like to be asked in an interview, so you can send a message to your fans, but haven’t been able to because you weren’t asked the right things?” Tiffany ventured.

Taeyeon’s smile, if possible, grew even wider.

“The kind of questions you were just asking me.”

FANFIC: Three steps to nothing [TaengSic shot] #Angst


ANGST! ANGST ERRYWHERE T_T. Sorry. Shitty mood and this is the result.


Where did it all go wrong? 

The worst part about being friends with someone, is falling out of friends with them. It’s like breaking up, but different. There’s still those feelings of affection, but not quite as strong. No, the worst part is knowing that you never had any claim on them anyway. They have every right to walk away from a friendship they don’t wish to continue. Even worse than that, they don’t even have to tell you why.

It started of with doors.

One day, Jessica stop holding them open for her. It wasn’t impolite necessarily, but it was a tad inconsiderate. Taeyeon wanted to exit the van on the side closer to the kerb. Common sense really. But she was a split second too slow and the next thing she knew, Jessica had closed the door; not necessarily in her face, but it was still a closed door.

So Taeyeon turned to the other side where Yoona silently held the door open for her instead. Taeyeon didn’t bother glaring at Jessica later in the day. Jessica could hold the blankest of faces that would put professional poker players to shame.

The only thing left to do was to shrug it off and move forward. Act like it was just one of those days.

That was mistake number one.

~ ~ ~

Friendship is not a self sustaining creature. You feed it and it grows. You give it time. Committment. Effort. You talk about stuff. Anything. Because essentially, it is impossible to maintain any sort of relationship with another being without actually communicating with them. That doesn’t mean words and conversations. It could be a hifive. It could be hug. It could be a smile. Even a fight is better than nothing. 

But when there is nothing, even the act of trying to add something to that nothingness that lies between you seems to be more effort than its worth.

It was basically impossible to notice that there was a distance between them. It wasn’t anything particularly obvious, but the nine of them had been together so long now that even slightest ripple of conflict between members was picked up straight away. Celebrities and idols all started off as people. Not angels fallen from heaven.

Therefore, when they fell out with one another, they fell out as people. They talked less, if at all. They’d meet each other’s eyes awkwardly and then look away. They’d actually respect one another’s personal space. It was strange, especially having shared a dorm. You don’t get a lot of personal space with nine people crammed in an apartment, especially when holding hands, linking arms, back hugs and hair fiddling was the standard interaction between them. There was nothing to hide really. They changed in front of each other all the time.

Taeyeon knew Jessica’s curves just as well as she knew Fany’s curves or Yuri’s curves and Sooyoung’s lack of curves, which she so often lamented. There was nothing intimate about it, much as crazy shippers would probably have liked to believed. They just spent a lot of time around each other in various states of undress. From changing rooms back stage, to moping around the apartment dressed as peasants to post shower to bedroom scurrying.

But it was always a bigger deal when you undressed in front of a stranger, and so when Jessica began turning around when herself or Taeyeon changed, Taeyeon began to wonder if she ever really knew Jessica at all.

That was mistake number two.

~ ~ ~

In front of a camera, everyone is an actor. Or actress. It’s called a stage for a reason.

It was when they got to the stage that Taeyeon knew that there was a problem. She had always found some of their dance moves a little racier than she would have liked, and Jessica with her lusher curves, was a killer. But today, as she stood behind Jessica, watching her wiggle and wave, she barely reacted. Nothing had changed, she just didn’t really care.

She sang her line and Jessica’s voice echoed alongside hers, harmonizing in the way that only the true vocalists in the group could, and Jessica was one of them. She had once thought Jessica’s voice sweet. Unique. But now, once again, she realized that she didn’t particularly care. But Jessica’s voice hadn’t changed. If anything, her pitch stability, her vibrato, her projection, it had all improved from their early days when they still had chubby cheeks and the clearest of eyes.

But now Taeyeon’s eyes were tired.

Tired of pretending to look at someone like they were still friends. Like they were still something. Like they were still anything. Confrontation lead to drama and drama just wasn’t her thing.

So when they walked off the stage, smiling and making hearts, she mutted a “good job” to Jessica as she passed by her and Jessica barely nodded back before walking away. And Taeyeon let her.

The third and final mistake.




Friendships are worth fighting for.